The grey areas that aren’t so grey

So look, I get asked “but is that really inappropriate?” constantly in training sessions. Like, all the time.

People genuinely struggle to work out what counts as inappropriate workplace behaviour and honestly? I totally get why. There’s so much stuff that shouldn’t be acceptable but it’s been normalised in workplace cultures for ages that people have no idea where the lines are anymore.

Had this manager last week ask me if it was really inappropriate for his team leader to consistently interrupt women during meetings but not men. Genuine question, right? Like he actually wanted to know.

Then someone else wanted to know if sharing gossip about a colleague’s personal life counted as inappropriate behaviour. And someone questioned whether making jokes about people’s accents was actually problematic.

Thing is though, these grey areas? Often not as grey as people reckon. Most inappropriate workplace behaviours are pretty clear once you understand what to look for and why they’re problematic.

Understanding what constitutes inappropriate workplace behaviours isn’t just about avoiding trouble. It’s about creating workplaces where everyone can do their best work without fear or discomfort. For bystanders, knowing what inappropriate behaviour looks like is step one toward knowing when you might need to step in.

So let me break down the main types you’re likely to encounter. Some obvious, some might surprise you, but all have real impacts.

1. Sexual harassment and unwanted advances

Sexual harassment is serious stuff. Takes way more forms than people realise though.

Obviously includes unwanted physical contact, sexual comments about bodies or appearance, sharing sexual jokes or images, any sexual advances or requests for favours. But also includes persistent requests for dates after being told no, making assumptions about someone’s personal life based on gender, creating environments where sexual content gets normalised.

I’ve seen people dismiss “harmless” comments about someone’s outfit as just being friendly. Target experiences it as uncomfortable sexualisation though. Intent doesn’t determine impact.

Power dynamics make this particularly serious. Comes from supervisors, clients, anyone with influence over someone’s career? Pressure to tolerate it increases massively. Targets feel they can’t object without risking job security.

Creates hostile work environments affecting everyone, not just direct targets. Other employees observe what’s tolerated, shapes their sense of safety and belonging.

Legal definition varies but generally includes any unwelcome conduct of sexual nature that makes someone feel offended, humiliated, or intimidated where reasonable person would anticipate that reaction.

Challenging for bystanders because sexual harassment often happens subtly or privately. When you witness it though, intervention makes huge difference to targets who feel isolated and unsupported.

2. Discrimination and bias

Discriminatory behaviour based on protected characteristics is illegal and damaging. Not always obvious though.

Clear-cut cases include refusing to hire someone because of age, gender, race, religion, disability. Passing someone over for promotion because of pregnancy. Excluding people from opportunities because of cultural background.

But discrimination manifests in subtler ways too. Ideas dismissed when from women but taken seriously when men suggest them. Older workers mysteriously stop getting invited to training. People with accents questioned about qualifications more than others.

Discrimination often shows up as opportunities that don’t get offered rather than explicitly denied.

Mentoring relationships that don’t develop. Stretch assignments going to others. Informal networks somehow not including certain people.

Worked with organisations where discrimination was so embedded people didn’t recognise it. Thought they were maintaining standards or cultural fit. Patterns showed clear bias though.

Bias can be unconscious but still harmful. People consistently make assumptions about capabilities based on protected characteristics, creates unequal workplaces even with good intentions.

For bystanders, discrimination challenging because involves patterns over time rather than single incidents. Documenting and speaking up about discriminatory patterns crucial though.

3. Bullying and intimidation

Workplace bullying creates toxic environments affecting entire teams. Gets disguised as tough management though.

Obvious forms include verbal abuse, public humiliation, deliberate exclusion, intimidation. Also includes setting impossible deadlines as punishment, taking credit for others’ work, withholding information needed for jobs, persistently criticising work unreasonably.

Power-based bullying from supervisors particularly damaging because targets have limited options. Peer bullying happens too, just as harmful.

What makes bullying different from occasional conflict is pattern over time and intent to harm, intimidate, control. Systematic and deliberate, designed to make targets feel powerless.

Seen bullying justified as “direct communication” or “performance management.” Key difference is respect for human dignity. Appropriate performance management focuses on work issues, maintains respect. Bullying attacks person’s competence, character, worth.

Often escalates if not addressed. Occasional harsh criticism develops into systematic harassment making work environments unbearable.

Psychological impact severe. Anxiety, depression, physical health problems. Affects productivity because targets struggle under constant stress.

For bystanders, particularly difficult when comes from authority. Witnessing bullying and staying silent sends messages to bullies and targets about what’s acceptable.

4. Microaggressions and subtle put-downs

Microaggressions are workplace death by thousand cuts.

Small individually, devastating collectively.

Subtle comments or actions communicating bias, often without conscious intent. Consistently mispronouncing names after corrections. Assuming only woman in meeting takes notes. Asking where people “really” from based on appearance.

Might seem minor compared to overt harassment but cumulative impact significant. Targets experience constant low-level stress from competence questioned, belonging challenged, identity dismissed.

Common ones include comments about how “articulate” someone is when from marginalised group. Assumptions about technical competence based on gender. Surprise at leadership potential based on age. Questions about work commitment based on family status.

Problematic because often dismissed as harmless or unintentional. Targets told they’re oversensitive or reading too much into innocent comments.

Intent doesn’t negate impact though.

Repeated microaggressions affect sense of safety, belonging, value. Over time influences engagement, performance, retention.

Worked with people who left organisations not because of single dramatic incident but constant microaggressions wearing them down. Organisation lost talented people, never understood why.

For bystanders, challenging because seem minor in isolation. Consistent patterns create hostile environments requiring intervention though.

5. Gossip, rumour-spreading, and privacy violations

Workplace gossip mill destroys careers and relationships faster than almost anything. People don’t recognise gossip and privacy violations as serious though.

Includes sharing personal information without permission, spreading unverified rumours about performance or personal lives, discussing confidential information inappropriately. Speculating about relationships, health, finances, family.

Privacy violations create mistrust and anxiety where people feel constantly watched and judged. Nobody does best work worried about what’s being said behind backs.

Gossip targets people who are different or don’t conform to social norms. Becomes exclusion and harassment making people unwelcome.

Digital age made privacy violations easier and more damaging. Screenshots of private conversations, sharing social media inappropriately, discussing online activities. Serious consequences for relationships and reputations.

Gossip particularly toxic because spreads and evolves. Information gets distorted, rumours take on lives completely disconnected from reality.

Seen careers damaged by malicious gossip starting with grain of truth but growing into something different. Once circulating, incredibly difficult to counter even when false.

6. Sabotage and undermining behaviour

Seen people sabotage colleagues so subtly victims questioned own competence rather than recognising deliberate undermining.

Includes deliberately withholding information for projects, taking credit for others’ work, spreading negative information to damage reputations, setting people up to fail with incorrect information or unrealistic expectations.

Undermining might look like consistently interrupting during presentations, questioning decisions publicly, subtly discrediting expertise in front of clients or management.

People engage in sabotage feeling threatened by colleagues’ success. Others advance careers by making others look bad. Sometimes retaliation for perceived slights.

Particularly damaging because difficult to prove. Happens behind scenes or seems accidental. Targets struggle demonstrating patterns of deliberate undermining.

Destroys team trust because people become guarded and suspicious. Can’t rely on each other to share information and support goals, performance suffers.

Individual impact severe. Reputation damage, missed advancement opportunities, stress from constantly defending competence and contributions.

For bystanders, challenging because happens subtly or privately. Documenting patterns and speaking up crucial for maintaining trust though.

7. Inappropriate use of technology and social media

Digital inappropriate behaviour feels less serious because not face-to-face. Impact just as real though.

Includes inappropriate emails or messages, sharing explicit content through work systems, using technology to monitor or harass, blurring professional boundaries through social media.

Cyberbullying might involve excluding from digital communications, spreading rumours online, using technology to humiliate or intimidate.

Social media creates challenges because lines between personal and professional increasingly blurred. Comments on personal posts, sharing workplace gossip online, inappropriate social media contact.

Email and messaging create permanent records escalating inappropriate behaviour. Passing comment in person becomes documented evidence when written.

Global and permanent nature means consequences far beyond immediate workplace. Screenshots shared, posts seen by clients or future employers, digital footprints last indefinitely.

Worked with organisations dealing harassment moving from workplace to persistent social media contact, messaging, online stalking. Digital aspects made harassment more persistent, harder to escape.

For bystanders, easier to document than face-to-face incidents. Can feel more distant and harder to intervene though.

Creating clarity around workplace behaviour standards

Goal isn’t workplaces where people walk on eggshells constantly worried about saying wrong thing.

Creating workplaces where everyone thrives without fear of harassment, discrimination, mistreatment.

Understanding inappropriate workplace behaviours first step toward respectful, inclusive cultures. People know where lines are, can engage authentically while maintaining professionalism and respect.

Clear standards benefit everyone. Protect from mistreatment, also protect well-intentioned people from accidentally crossing unknown lines.

For bystanders, understanding inappropriate behaviours crucial for knowing when intervention needed. Can’t address problems you don’t recognise. Can’t support colleagues if don’t understand what they’re experiencing.

Key is focusing on impact rather than intent. Good intentions don’t negate harmful impacts. Understanding this helps create workplaces where people take responsibility for how behaviour affects others.

Most inappropriate behaviours share characteristics. Unwelcome, create discomfort or harm, often involve power imbalances, contribute to hostile or exclusionary environments.

When in doubt ask: Does this treat colleagues with dignity and respect? Does it contribute to inclusive environment where everyone does best work? Would I want family treated this way at work?

Creating respectful workplaces isn’t about perfect behaviour all the time. Building cultures where inappropriate behaviour gets addressed quickly, people learn from mistakes, everyone takes responsibility for maintaining environments where colleagues thrive.